# 'AITA for hiring a lawyer in secret after discovering my wife’s double life?' [Amanda Hurley](/content/author/ahurley/index.html) Jun 15, 2026 ## "AITA for hiring a lawyer in secret after discovering my wife’s double life?" > I (35M) was married to my ex-wife Jennifer (36F) for 10 years. Together we have two biological daughters. I also helped raise her two older daughters from a previous relationship. I came into their lives when they were around 2 and 4 years old and never treated them any differently than my biological children. > A few years ago, I helped create a social group designed to help people make friends and connections. During that time, Jennifer met a man through her social circles and eventually introduced him and his wife into our friend group. I’ll call him Anthony. > Anthony and his wife became close family friends. We spent time together regularly, attended events together, met each other’s families, and even spent holidays together. > What I didn’t know was that Jennifer and Anthony were secretly having an affair. The affair lasted around five months. The only reason I found out was because Anthony’s wife discovered it and confronted them. Jennifer was forced to tell me the truth. > I was devastated. Not only had she cheated on me, but she had done it with someone she personally introduced into our lives and encouraged me to become friends with. > Despite that, I wanted to save the marriage. We went to marriage counseling. We actually saw two different therapists because Jennifer felt the first one was biased against her. Both therapists ultimately focused on the damage the affair had caused and the need for accountability. > Instead of helping rebuild trust, Jennifer became frustrated that I wasn’t recovering on her timeline. She frequently asked when I was going to “get over it” and wanted our relationship to return to normal even though I still felt betrayed. > > Then I discovered more things. > One day she left her phone unlocked while she was in the shower. I found a Snapchat account filled with conversations involving dozens of different people. Men, women, people I knew, and people I didn’t know. > Whatever trust remained was gone. > One of those people was a guy from our social circle named Zack. I had never trusted him because the first time I met him, he commented on how attractive my wife was before even realizing she was married. > One night Jennifer went out drinking with friends. The vehicle she was driving had GPS tracking, and I noticed she was at Zack’s house instead of where she claimed to be. > I didn’t confront her immediately. > > When she got home, she told me she had taken a long smoke break because she’d had too much to drink. After she finished the story, I simply asked, “So how was Zack’s house?” > She denied it at first, but eventually admitted she had been there. > At that point I no longer trusted anything I was being told. I started documenting everything. I installed cameras in the house and began keeping records because I felt like every confrontation ended with a different story. > The more attention I paid, the more I realized how much of the family responsibility I was carrying. > For nearly our entire marriage, I worked full time while Jennifer stayed home. I paid the bills, provided housing, supported all four children, bought vehicles after accidents and setbacks, and handled virtually all of the financial responsibilities. > Meanwhile, Jennifer often stayed up all night talking to people online through TikTok, Snapchat, and other apps. She frequently slept during the day. A large portion of the parenting and household responsibilities fell on me. > I’m not claiming to have been a perfect husband, but I genuinely spent years trying to save the marriage while repeatedly discovering new lies. > Eventually I reached my breaking point. > > Without telling Jennifer, I hired a lawyer. > I gathered every piece of evidence I had accumulated over the years: evidence of the affair, dishonesty, secret accounts, and behavior that I believed demonstrated poor judgment and instability. > I filed for divorce and sought primary custody of our two daughters. I made it clear that if we ended up in court, I intended to present every piece of evidence I had collected. > I was prepared to aggressively pursue custody because I genuinely believed I was the more stable parent and that I was already carrying most of the parenting responsibilities. > Faced with that reality, Jennifer signed the agreement. > > As part of the divorce settlement, I kept the house, my retirement, my vehicles, and my other property. She did not take any of my assets. > I was awarded primary custody of our daughters. > > I do not pay child support or alimony. > The part that still hurts is what happened afterward. > > Her two older daughters returned to live with their biological father after barely having him in their lives for years. I lost two girls that I had helped raise and loved as my own. > Jennifer then moved from Kentucky to New York, roughly 8 to 9 hours away. She left the children behind because she had met a man online and chose to relocate to be with him. > To this day she tells people that I forced her to move and that she had no choice. > > I disagree. She had family in Kentucky, opportunities to stay close to the children, and other options. Instead, she chose to move away to pursue that relationship. > Some people tell me I did exactly what I needed to do to protect my daughters and create a stable home. > Others tell me I was wrong for documenting everything, hiring a lawyer without telling her, and using the evidence to pressure her into signing the agreement instead of fighting it out in court. > > So, AITA? ## Here’s what people had to say to OP: [StrengtTalt](https://www.reddit.com/user/StrengtTalt/) > What? How is there any confusion about this? No, you're NTA. [ColdRimess](https://www.reddit.com/user/ColdRimess/) > True... there is really no ambiguity here given what was described. [CollectsTooMuch](https://www.reddit.com/user/CollectsTooMuch/) > NTA. You did what you had to do and you were right. She left her own children. She cheated and lied. You stuck around too long. You need to learn about codependency. You need stronger boundaries and make your needs more important. She took advantage of you over and over. > Want to know how I know? I did the same incredibly dumb thing. Congrats on getting out. Life is so much easier when you’re not living with worries all the time. [Gandoff2169](https://www.reddit.com/user/Gandoff2169/) > If you stay in the marriage and not go FULL title on exposing and seeking protections for you and your kids then you would be to yourself. But if you do it, the NTA... [HowWasItoKnow](https://www.reddit.com/user/HowWasItoKnow/) > NTA. She’s the one that destroyed her family. Your family is better off without her chaos. [Brave_Bluebird5042](https://www.reddit.com/user/Brave_Bluebird5042/) > NTA if were getting a complete accurate story I'd say the only thing you did wrong was not get to know her better before you committed, and trust too long, try too long. ## So, what do you think of this one? If you could give OP any advice here, what would you tell them?